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what does this mean this becomingwoman 8/25/07 11:55 PM

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Oct. 13th, 2007 | 12:06 am

a little later at one oclock morning Monday aug 27 2007

later tomorrow became today, it, the past is always there
holding hands

this truth shines thru my opaqueness
my skin is getting softer

I have always been this woman under
so many inner dictators oppressive fearful

and now I am at this late date finally allowing
myself the luxury of the truth of expression

inside coming out as the woman that I am
and have been, kept so long as an infant

as a woman of what kind as me as this un
held zone a mystery in which here I am

self lying deprivation but helped to create a
kind of substance but now, now I am Changing

moon strafed in cloudness me unmanned since
forever and I was and was not complicit then

today other questions arise I discover that I
never had a penis it had been taken and ex-

changed for a wish to be at the time a real girl
now as my dream man ness is fading what is

really here in essence this forever feminization
process is still going on I want my body to be

more and more feminine that’s what something
in me wants and is in the ‘process’ of continuing

to do just that bringing about a small revolution
for me as I wend my way thru the lunar labyrinth

more and more luminescence thrown into the darker
and more hidden corners and lo and behold the real

truth that this something in me is me part of me a
big big part lo and behold without any agreements

or rational thought I am going a lot further than first
imagined but its been there a long long time wanting

to be a woman at this level of experience I could care
less if I have a penis I am trying to open further and

deeper my sexuality as female anyway and for me she’s
my tiny little clitoris that loves being teased round and

so on,

outside fullmoon night pale white spirit woman dances
bathed in brightest blue whiteness flooding everywhere
thru the black single column legs and silhouetted slaps
of blackgreen leaves she opens her body to this lunar
light a belated feminine bath in the waters of the very
ancient goddess moon later on the deck she went even
further into the spirit world and as the owlwoman called
and reminded her of the owlspirit in her that was calling
out to the owl and as she lay there in the chair she felt
her belly swelling up to twice it’s size and she remembered
that she was pregnant again with another spirit child due
sometime late september maybe at sometime some things
have to be done even letting you know this, now remember

09-01-2007 night Saturday nineohfivepm

I had a really nice and kinda exciting day in
the sense of being simply a woman as is in
advancing the cause of me recognizing what
a woman I am and am becoming, it’s strange
yet totally for this earth and this time natural
in the sense only real for now and yet I am as
this female being now opening my body to its
feminine changing and how I embrace that
wordlessly with sounds and pauses and cries
of such painful unacceptance to the softer sighs
of acceptance and wonder and enjoyment of my
changing body allowing her dance her flesh in
broad pale moonlight her spirit pregnancy her
spirit lover, the twins, the ancient 3 year old
it is true I am doing this both intentionally and
unintentionally it is true so true that I love my
bosoms getting bigger and I love assisting in
my body following the dictates of my deep sub
conscious where my sense of self as a woman
lies the constant need to become a woman in
anyway I can accept opening myself to its much
deeper substance its much deeper narrative

in this mirror’d labyrinthe I am being
created out of the imagined flesh this
estrogen veil draws over me and take
conscious pleasure of my female coming
body the images shooting thru me in
which I am changing I feel it deeply
down to where my karmic time bodies
are created to the root always giving birth
to me as Her female to learn the hard
way the absolute truth that I am only
capable of being a woman both in body
and persona the abyss snaps closed I
am only now a woman just as is without
explanation it just is she just is and I am
all of this too but she has lain so long
dormant and under lock and key now
she’s out and wanting real social inter
action in a good way depends on how
much I can accept the daily daylight as
some kind of dislodged beingpersona
and coming up for air as me woman
there I am here I am always had that
direction in every way when I dressed
I wanted only to be a girl to be a female
The clothes were magic they helped me
become a girl, a young woman, now so
much older and still wanting this change
boy into girl man into woman but I was
never ever able to be a man really and
my earnest boyhood was lost to me having
to become feminine I all of a sudden did
not have a choice I wanted to become a
woman at that instance she became the
other the wrong one the mistaken one
the temporary mistake to be rectified in
the soon as possible timeframe but lo and
behold here I am now becoming even more
of a woman and the immensely interesting
things shown about me in this opaque mist
hurry thru and abide now as this all becoming
female only in the river of light and darkness
I am my opposite and am in this way a reader
and a swimmer and a dancer a short term
singer of my poems in snippets with humor

I can love wearing an old fashion bra and 1930s
nightie my blue fuzzie skippers and my pink panties
worn in honor of my now totally deceased manhood
goodbye no good riddance to any and all last vestiges
my faux masculine ughh!!self the estrogen and pro-
gesterone are running in me now bringing me some
thing I have wanted and needed more this me as a
lost man being is to become a woman and first he
didn’t want it and now now now I love it I love all of
it right down to my masochistic need to submit as a
female at first only to my very butch partner and then
to a man surprise surprise one of the very hidden aspects
I love the fact that I want bigger bosoms to be made
available to my lovers and that I like being a femme
bottom woman in bed and the fact is I cannot be other
my bottom is naughty and up and wants you to fuck me
I feel like I am going to melt when you suck my nipples
and put your creamy fingers in my sweet tight little pussy
all around making me so hot and so wide open and my
titties are on fire as you push your o so very hard and
hot cock in me and again and again deeper and deeper
my pussy holds his cock to her heart and she loves it all
so so much she tries so hard to let him know she is totally
submissive by every move and quiver and shudder of her
body she wrapped herself around him an endless cloud
a film of deep enigmatic ecstasy she discovered missing
parts of her story in this truth but is it really or am I just
pushing the metaphor of my sexxchange to its dangerous
conclusions, the night barks at the sweet chicken Moon


I am much happier in my always becomingwoman mode
I feel better about myself as a woman I just wish I could
live in the world as woman at all times it is me thus seen
and felt fully as female I’ve been thru all the rationalizations
against he whole thing but yet she just is me I am identified
as female and more on the feminine side of that even and I
haven’t shaken off all my old sexual rituals the magic roads
into being changed over the border deep deep into permanent
womanhood the spirits will understand that in spite of making
me more and more realized as a woman I do have heavy
responsibilities to fulfill as a male once and a while but P am
sure I will find more and more time to work on my female
being and my becomingwoman RiverSpirit as now my bosoms
are aching with pleasure and growth they feel so full and yet
appear very small this slowly becoming woman body all over
more and more supple soft too sensitive smaller weaker more
willing now to yield give in and find out all about having wetness
being all needy and getting so ready to be penetrated as hard
and as deep as possible we’ve already established many words
ago that this supposed man me had a “penis” maybe not it turns
out he only imagined he had one so he wouldn’t suffer the fate of
becoming an total queen which it turns out is what I am in just
about every way not really a queen but very very close indeed
a MTF transsexual with a predilection for becoming a woman un
altered this naked smoothness burning me up this over refined
softness and smoothness surrounds me becoming my bodymind

at every chance I get I jump into
womanhood but what kind of life
is that for an aspiring female in
some form or another to do that

09032007 Monday night

so putting into practice working with my spirits
an Indian man in his late 40s early 50s short
grey white hair strong intense, 2 twin teenage
boys identical and an ancient 3 year old Child
with deep staring black eyes supposedly I am
their spirit mother I gave birth to them and
nursed them as best I could in my deep dream
subconscious doorway into the spirit world
where I am pregnant and will be giving birth on
the spirit level to another spirit child, teacher
and helper maybe late september of course the
Indian man is their father and you know what
that means all the way round and it seemed to
me that he looked as if he knew me well and
understood where I was then at so it is part of
that kind of sense I don’t know how we had sex
the other night Saturday because I know in his
world my belly is pretty big, so who knows? I
know I came like a crazy woman all over every
where with him inside me o my god that was
so good I was all woman down to the deepest
core of my being that’s what I am talking about

part 2:
living testament to this enigma
always living as an opposite
from the beginning of my child
mind began to reflect on this
situation and drew many fearful
conclusions and could not accept
what it meant all the way from
little boy wanting to be a girl to
an older boy ashamed of putting
on girls clothes dreamt of someone
forcing him, punishing him in to
being shamefully feminine in girl’s
clothes and maybe even boys might
be interested yet deep down he
yearned to be female and those ideas
would find their natural state

septtembre 4th day into this month my month moon was full last wed

ok what is it that’s been coming so strong daily nightly
I can’t seem to get beyond I just am revealing the truth
so far about my womanly tending condition number one:.
Its interesting that it seems a struggle around this and
work is untangling and showing something number two.:
one thing this being a woman is not going away and there
so much pressure to catch up for time lost, spent in jail and
‘I’ has no need to get rid of her ‘I’ is saying to me look and see
how real she is for you your subjectivity explore her be her
number three:: your subjectivity is a many layered narrative
in more than 4 dimensions it has a kind of value as your own
particular atmosphere only wish love acceptance and non critical
openness will gain you access to the depth of karmabody in this
overwhelming subjectivity number four:.: then for this particular
being me I must become more and more lets face it a woman as
deep as I can go number five..; there is the spirit thing to explore

when little I had relation to spirits and magic thru fairy tales

there was congruent with the explosive realization that I wanted to change my sex everything else in trying to point away from such a radical notion Reason aside then now and later pointed in the direction of me wanting by dressing to express my need to live as a woman completely so now I am taking hormones extending my self awareness into the world daily in a more feminine way opening my feelings to allow and encourage my body to change to be more feminine and
later I went on a vision quest when I was 27 and a spirit woman came to me in a that night dream and within an aura of love and acceptance gave me a woman’s small bag which contained lovely feminine items like lipstick and she gave me a woman’s name Deirdre
and I woke up from that dream filled with acceptance and a wish
to be a woman and yet years past and I was frozen because of being in a family there was no easy freedom to accept and explore I was bound and
the part of me that couldn’t accept being a woman and what that means
to every layer of meaning
progress was being at least being made on the sexual level where I was became a femme bottom lesbian and O did I learn a lot about being passive very feminine and on the receiving end of getting fucked by the red shiva phallus I still love it when big daddy pulls it out and uses it on me I loved everything about being a woman on a sexual level and still do and then there was the spirit man making love to me and getting me pregnant in the over night in the inipi lodge and there’s been 3 big pregnancies one of which is still going on and the way my visions all point to acceptance of this sacred condition of being and the pipe and other things pointing in this direction lots of spirit things I have got begin using the pipe for healing and guidance and protection for my earthly family and my overly intense spirit family 4 males to balance my deep womanliness
simple worn gifts from the earth this is no joke I am one of those to become a softer person a woman and I must learn to stay alert to those teachings that are available to me as a bordercrosser shape shifter from male to female spirit and flesh and always saw it as becoming other an opposite not by choice but by cooperation
it is true my smallish bosoms are aching in a pleasurable way and it makes me feel good because they may be growing O yeah! and they remind me of my essential feminine nature I take satisfaction and pleasure in how my bosoms rest on my wrists while I type they also are tied directly into my vagina spirit and otherwise


every night I am up late needing all this makeup time
and then of course I am contributing to the Changing
chiefly hormones real ones that are doing a little some
thing for my femme identification I like things real or
as close as I can to ride the wave of realization and so
lately all I’ve wanted is to deepen my sense of being a
woman I am desperate to go out and to expand my
domains as a woman person maybe working with others
in a good way being accepted by my family and some
friends but it is this other thing of directing moon energy
all over my body of my bosoms feeling growing aches
and pains absorbing little leftover masculine bits and
changing them sublimating them into the now woman
becoming life softer smoother a little rounder so be it
it is and I am going down that road I have no choice I
tried to forgo it but that was destructive not only to
myself but to those I love as long as I had to hide I
could not be real in my life I could never get enough
continuous time to see where I really stand and want
yet no matter I am giving her as much time as possible
grandmother is helping my body over the obvious and
we are caught as is and that’s what I am becoming

sept satnite around 11 on9/07/07

it just is and I just am this way
apparently its true and not going
away and anyway I’m taking
hormones and sure enough I’m
changing a little and it feels right
the direction I want to go on a
little deeper to the karmabody

Monday night Oct 1 2007 cooling down
this element seems real these facts about
me are undeniable

I am feeling flowing more into being female
my breasts for one feel as if they are growing
they feel so good to me, they make me feel
more like the woman I almost am, but just let
me say that this woman striving creature is me

transgendered woman, closer to the truth, but a
woman being all the same in some strange way

this situation where I am gradually changing sexx
and the way I am feeling about this whole thing

how one part takes hormones after years of being
more feminine in sense of being and expression

going out using my more womanly sense and voice
and enjoying the experience, this need in me to be a
woman as I have always been underneath and under
developed and now what going out is so raw so hard
to understand and then I go out and dance and praise
and allow the moon’s light to cover me in her female
sense to deepen mine and dance in her palesilverwhite
light everywhere strewn my body swells as a female
under her delicate touch and her deep pulling rhythms
become me over and over as my breasts ache to be
touched as I hope that means they are growing or
have they reached maximum for now these thoughts

9/13/07 8:14 PM

its like this here I am again trying to question
the enigma of it all it is obvious how deep it is
in me just look what I am doing how good it
makes me feel for my bosoms to get more
womanly they feel wonderful and bring me
to an acceptance of this desire and impulse
to become a woman and what kind can I at
least hope to be what I am a transgendered
woman and its always been this way I never
wanted to be a man I never could be a man
sexually to my dismay I always had to admit
to my girlfriends that I needed to be treated
as a woman in bed I tried to be on top but I
always ended up on the bottom every time
I just couldn’t admit the truth I knew it but
I couldn’t admit it was true of me on a more
permanent level but it is and it turns out I am
a woman in many more ways than is possible
to believe in ways I resisted even thinking about
are now second nature (well almost) but at least
in my imagination I am now only a woman in my
sexuality not even anything pretend man just me
as now only a female who likes to get her titties
played with her nipples sucked bottom and pussy
played with made wet open hotred clitoris touched
o so tenderly and soft so yes I like being the woman


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