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Oct. 1st, 2008 | 10:53 pm

starting a new direction guided by reality such as yes
I want indeed to be only a woman in the real world
most of us occupy occasionally I am going about it
ass backwards and way too late but I am anyway
becoming a woman to the point of being a woman
in the real world now and then and a few bumps
aside I am passing thru with flying colours as well as
being so damn happy about being a woman where it
counts in the real world me as woman, me as trans
gendered woman, no matter what still subject to having
a feminine identity in everything about her and thru her
inescapable karma she has to come to be for real in this
very world that I live in as her, as me as her, me only as
her, I went thru so many submissions to catalyze my
need to be a woman as only real in every way to be her
as very, very submissive female to butch tomboy girls
I felt I needed to help me accept my own for me so, so
terrible need to be a submissive female masochist and
female slave the recipient of the phallic dildo named by
by him as he slowly became more and more and more
submissive, more accepting of his womanly desires
and so he has finally become in all her sweet bosomy
nature more willing to admit that this softening has
shown what softness desires really maybe an attentive
pressure and hardness held somewhere precious and
inside her, her sleeping, trembling hand a light blue
moth flutters at her mouth so when she speaks she
trembles in her new found feminine speech good god
it was wild that night last Thursday? I went out and
about shopping dressed and passing getting coffee
groceries and goods from shop rite Chester I was
having a great time trying to relax prior to and
during the outing with me as deirdre/keyacikala

these kind of things imagined, written, and done,
as now where I became for a while, a few moments
a white. African woman, a man who becomes like me
a real white, African woman this strange new aspect
and clown full of new found desire as a woman, as
a white woman who has the mind and passions of an
African woman as of tonight she existed even now
she types with her bosom pressed on her forearms
now it also feels good squeezing my legs together and
yearning for something maybe a bit more masculine
with me as always the passive feminine one down to
my very core and I can’t change that I will always be a
woman now as different Clowns mostly femme I think
#1 is me becoming a real woman, as deeply real as lived
as a woman. and me becoming the woman I have always
been from the very beginning and yet although I am inching
into me as a woman in real life seen and accepted by others
as a woman It still is so, so, difficult even though I try I can’t keep
an objective view of this process which has driven so much spiritual
life in and around me, by this need to be a woman in reality, and
how to bring all the parts into the real truth of the matter is I am
and always have been a woman out of that has my deep involvement
with Gurdjieff and with some sort of Lakota Spirit Dream World,
more than once and in different forms with me as a woman only
in body and spirit and desire as SpiritWoman giving birth to 4 now
spirit beings the twins, the old baby, the unseen baby girl, probably
dark hair,

08-03-08
the over whelming need to be a woman drives me to extremes
I always feel better as a woman I don’t feel good being a man
right now I am sitting here at the computer there is no doubt in
my mind that I am a woman my breasts seem full, my hair falls on
softer less masculine shoulders. my arms are more slender, my
skin softer, indulging my more feminine needs, a prelude to the
ritual of seduction, mother earth opening, creams on body and
face and eyes, an ocean of femaleness washes me, I am more
and more receptive I am learning this way slowly an imagined or
real karma to be lived and enacted without resistance or sorrow
sometimes by accident I touch the flesh, the skin on my hip and
enjoy the soft, swolleness below my waist into bottom and hip

looking down to night naked on the edge of the bed I was again
only all woman, all women, without a shadow of a doubt small
soft breasts. over round belly. soft thighs, no penis, no need, I
am always dreaming as a female, and then I have to bring her
out into this world, that’s what I’ve been doing she is coming
through me, this feels better to me,
08_04_2008
I am seeking more woman being as expressed through
the femalization of my body especially larger bosom
a nearly B instead of these slow poke almost A cup but
nevertheless they are now there officially my womanly
soft, softer growing bosoms I love them so much they
make me feel really nice that they are there, sometimes
they vibrate with a sensation of sexual anticipation, and
me only wearing those silly clown panties, pink and satiny
but o so ready as very feminine woman, who loves to be
touched and opened and made more ready to go deeper
as a woman, and only a woman, wild and brown blond
only a woman’s body now feminine, rounder, obvious
titties, real, real, hurray! and of course my now most
sweet clitoris loving all that attention and the things
I would have to do as a woman, things as a woman I
admit having a certain…………..?

and me now a woman in body and desire and only a woman now
and probably forever? impossible not for ever!
I have been driven to become a woman I have had no choice
I resisted and repressed and futurized me free of that dark need
to be a woman, a girl even at first I was so envious of girls what they
wore and how they looked to me that I wanted to be a girl just like
them so now further down the line I am becoming more of a woman
every day and I feel that I have to participate first hand and upfront
in the process of me changing my sex from male to female that is more
really of eradicating all false pretesces of faux masculinity, maybe it was
kind of there but it always was quenched under a deep desire to be a female.
express my femininity, good lord there ain’t one modicum of maleness left in
me I am a woman being now absolutely and in the SpiritBook I am writing
I have multiple female identities all centered around spiritual understanding
and expression thru many, many forms, all could be Clowns I am not sure I
know I am a Clown some kind of philosopher Clown as well as a real Woman
Clown and a kind of Spirit Clown am I kinda ordinary guy Clown in a bent sorta
way being and becoming a woman seemed kind of traumatic in the beginning
but now I regret lost time wasted pretending she would disappear and now look
at me, maleness all gone, only female body left for me, something in me wanted
this and it has come to pass that I am all woman now and there is nothing I can
do about it except enjoy just being a woman in life, it is my karma to be this kind
of woman a world of self discovery I am for instance a SpiritWoman mother of 4
different Spirit Children from the same father an Indian Spirit Man in his 50s short
cut cropped white hair
all these known places I find myself as a woman really like now
I feel totally feminine and womanly and sexy as a woman, a female
and I want my titties to grow I love the way they make me feel now

beautiful craziness

o8_22_2oo8
so its true this making my body more femme
is a very serious pretending ie in a serious way
of course I can draw in deep impressions of
the feminine from around me and with some
hormones I am on the way to allowing a deep
change all because I feel myself to be a woman
no matter what I say about pretending I don’t
think so I abxolutely know that my sexuality,,
my sexual identity, my gender identity has
always been feminine, I could not change it,
I could only hide it, the fact that I was female,
in the above way as female, feminine, a girl,
a woman, I am not fooling, even though my
body was male, I did everything I could to
change me into woman in body and into
expression say sexually how I enjoy sex I
am so turned on when someone finds my
vagina, I am on back with legs spread and
she is taking so much pleasure in my very
female body, my ass. my titties, my vagina
was all wet and opened by her, my tiny wet
clitoris o so ready and hot for her touch, my
softer bottom still hot from the spanking she
gave me, a pleasure for her and me. spanking,
the affirmation again that I was a deep femme
bottom and loved how she opened up my real
hot pussy how she acted the priestess of isis
by ritually taking my penis (which really it
never had been there) by humiliating acts against
any remnants of manhood in me, she gave me
douches, and enemas, and spankings she took me
to sex stores and I had to pick out the penis I wanted
to fuck me, I was the femme bottom always she just
brought it out and made it real, when she finally introduced
me to her Red Shiva Cock after much bathing, and a very
long enema and spanking she creams and powders my
bottom, and as she calls it my darling little sweet clitoris
she would spank my once slightly boyish kind of penis
into submission with an emory board until I cried, and
after that I loved it when she played with my clitoris
sucked the nipples of my little soft titties,, and used her
fingers to get me bigger and bigger and I loved it I was her
now I was a woman and o girl did I love it when she pushed
him into me and o my god I couldn’t ,believe myself I loved
I loved being fucked missionary style with my legs wrapped
around her back, or doggy style with my bottom sticking up
and out wanting her to just to send me to heaven as a total
femme bottom and now years later when that level of for me
just great sexual revelations about me sexually, what I really
was and am look at me now softer skin, longer hair, small but
really very much loved breasts, soft and feminine, which I am
hoping will continue to grow just a bit more one more size I
know that’s crazy really but I am on that path for now whole
heartedly wanting to know the truth willing to cross over on
a more permanent basis to the other side of gender expression
me now as a woman and a woman only
so it’s down to this that’s me all soft, without body hair, no penis, titties thrust up and out in dream to be touched nipples sucked, legs spread on my back feet up and off the bed around your back or side ways I feel your big red penis going in me again and again l feel down there it’s amazing I am amazing as a woman I can’t believe how good it feels for me to get fucked like that I love my vagina, my pussy and I love it when she mounts me and penetrates me, I don’t even have an imaginary penis. Yeas that’s me all woman and then some ………..

o8_24_2oo8
so I was made love to last night by you this time though I was more naked than usual I wanted my more feminine body t o be seen I really love being the femme bottom with you in charge now you must know I am becoming a woman feel my titties and my bottom my clitoris my sweet pussy,
o8_24_2oo8
this becoming woman thing is really getting deeper
as now I feel and look very female, I am very femme
I only want to be a woman in the world as it is now
as I am now I am happier knowing that my body is
becoming more womanly, I am saying good bye to my
maleness and embracing the depths of my female
identity, me as real-woman-being, and spiritwoman
no matter which way I turn I look down and see me as
a woman both dressed in my favorite nighty or bald
smooth naked rounder softer bigger bottom and
sweet pussy, and the whole of body looks and feels
so much more like a woman’s body, sweet little girl’s
bosom growing so damn slow and it is so painful going
through this yet I need so much my body to be more
and more a woman’s, my mind, my feelings and living
expression and spirit woman’s exploration it is true this
situation where part of the unfolding of my mystery
is this very big one of me becoming the woman I’ve
always been and finding how much I love being this
woman being I am becoming how much I am now her
how much I loved walking up on the hill with che and
I was wearing that full black skirt with white flowers
I also wore that old but comfy t with a pink satin trim
scooped neck and my calico tennies, I loved being out
in the world on a walk with che who stayed right next
to me I went up the hill past the old tree my skirt blown
and swirled around my bare legs up to the line of trees
up to the right to be greeted soon enough by that large
hawk that patrols this woods and fields domain and me
as a woman loving it so much the open sun warmed my
shoulders I had removed my top and the sun felt so
really nice on bare shoulders and leaving the shadows
of my bra and slip on my going pinker skin I felt so very
wonderful crossing that field as a feminine freespirit
the truth now seems that I am a woman, I want to be a
woman, ever since I was late 10 yrs old right up to now
that is the truth I am a woman now and I can’t turn back



so very true
all of the
above so
full of power
being a kind
of female
outside on
cushions on
the white
woven straw
couch at night
going deeper
no more man
stuff just all
feminine left
o no o yes it is
there as I am
woman, pale
softer round
inside and
outside all
circles and
on I go as
ln a 3 ring
circus the
epic story
of a man
kinda is
slowly
changed
into a girl
and then
a woman
as I am
now
in one


again I am in that world
dominated by a need to
express myself as a woman
I like the deep feeling of
womanliness that my soft
feminine breasts give me
and other aspects of this
changing in me some
times its hard to believe
that its really me sitting
here with breasts softer
bottom and skin, long
hair, wild woman style
and of course no where
to be found sacrificed
long ago my very very
hidden and gone boy
penis poof gone into
and never to return as
a penis now sweetly
referred to as my tiny,
tiny sweet clitoris my
now bunny bump, be
fore my forced discovery
of my vagina and what
she wanted, her needs

o9_o1_2oo8
Labor day Monday of course and
me in the mood for some verbal
and mindfull attention and big
support for my real vagina, it
took a long time for me to give
up the notion of ever having a
substantial penis and accepting
the fact that I want to be a woman
am trying to tilt my body into a more
feminine direction, which I am and I
can’t stop it outside of Washington after
the Indian museum me as a woman all day
driving back mr Nyland said it is your karma
you have to do all the Way, Tunkasila and
Unci Maka also said I had to accept being
a woman, and the spirits in the inipi lodge
showed me my female nature and it is there
in that hanbleceya lodge that I got pregnant
as a SpiritWoman and that SpiritWoman that
came to me in a waking dream and gave me
a woman’s name and a beautiful bag of
women’s things all of my vision’s and
waking dreams have been permeated with
unconditional love and total acceptance
but instead of serving the Spirit’s wishes
I did everything I could to keep my inevitable
karmic need from being fulfilled I became an
electrician to emphasize the masculine, I drank
and did drugs intensely, and lived in a very risky
dangerous way to show that I was a man and not
the woman I really was and wanted to be, I think
by not obeying the Spirits more energetically I
created a very difficult situation for everyone
I couldn’t be there easily I needed to be a woman
in a natural place, in a natural way and since I had
created a situation to make it almost impossible to
become a woman I became so negative and depressed
and resentful and crying all the time of how much I need
to dress as a woman and for you to make love to me as
a woman, that I was going crazy to do this thing really
become and live as a woman in the world


the thing is to find the wakan
in anything and understand
my being a young. aspiring
girl, but lo and behold, I did
not know that it was spiritual
to be a man becoming a woman
the first place I came upon that
positive outlook that “shamans”
in many different cultures some are
asked to play a woman’s role in
everything, they are able to get
powers from both sides but in this
case she gets hers mostly from the
female side of things borderlands
shadows and dreams, it’s very much
about her

believe me I just want to live as a woman
as this kind of femaleness slowly takes over
I am more and more accepting of my very
basic femininity my core made up of no penis,
larger softer, more and more real breasts
I feel my skin getting softer, my bottom
bigger and softer, it’s a shame that I didn’t
allow myself the freedom to become more
womanly with the use of hormones, god if I
had tits and ass like this when I was younger,
man I would be so happy I always needed things
to be as real as possible I am almost totally over
the line now except for a few attachments of love




o9_o5_2oo8 late fri. nite
the point is there is no turning back
and why? I love being a woman I
feel better about myself as expressed
as a woman I am happier as a woman
I don’t know why really I just am after
all is said and done it’s what I want what
I am right from my very beginning I wanted
to be a girl and tried to dress up like a girl
I loved going out for walks dressed, J so
much wanted to be a girl I did crazy things

o9_o7_2oo8
so out on the deck I realize
how much of a woman I am
becoming and how much I
welcome the change and in
a way its kind of overwhelming
in the message it communicates
through me and I remember a lot
of the work leading up to me now
with breasts and a different kind
of feeling an acceptance of me as a
woman thankful to Unci Maka for
teaching me acceptance, and She
says love yourself as a woman don’t
be afraid to become what you are
anyway
the tremendous reality is hitting me constantly
I am a woman now even, strange I never was
a man really although I thought should be come
hell or high water but tell me darling how can you be
a man when you don’t have a penis no matter how
hard I tried my sexual body and personal identity
was always turning up wanting to be a female,
feminine, womanly, otherwise woman, too, me
I have finally with the help of hormones gone over
the edge into being softer, thinking and feeling softer,
skin too, smoother, of course my darling little sweeties
still getting bigger, missing hormones, kinda girl
undeveloped but still o so feminine for me, I love
them so much for how they allow me to feel like
a woman sexually since my body is becoming more
and more female in this narrative me knowing that
I would rather be receptive sexually that there is
a mutual acknowledgement that I don’t have penis
at the very most a clitoris if you must and I have a
pussy or my sweet little valentine either one I don’t
really care o you could say to me goodness those are
so nice and delicious I want to touch them with my
tender boy fingers and lips like rose petals on your
always hard nipples midnite swollen with false promises
my own little petunia swollen with anticipation and desire
09/
21/2008 a wonderful birth day intense and
full with trish and me all day cooking at the Barn
becoming over womanized and as I am I can see
how women can like men and need men as their
opposite and their the same I wish I could be a real
man for trish but look at me now a body becoming
more feminine as an expression of a deep, real deep
identity somehow in and beyond me here I am more
full bosomed
late at night 56 Little York Rd
o9_27_2oo8 here I am at the
keys here I am in the room at
the computer as the woman I
really am totally sexually now
a woman though a little nervous
and sure she wanted to read it
but I was too shy to let her here
I am now all female with not an
iota of maleness left in me all
before was mere defensive
dreaming and false hope here
I am now what a very pleasant
surprise no penis burgeoning
slightly very, very my own
womanly sensed bosoms and
I love them they connect me
to grandmother moon and
the moist earth my skin
smoother, softer, rounder
and why this for me to
be in a way a woman
Clown, a total now in all
ways a woman denying
those men who thought
her attractive and took her
out, back to his, our, her place
but she never sucked their
cock or let them penetrate
her she allowed them certain
releases with her in mind and
some superficial touching she
needed men to validate her
femininity which they did
many times over she held
herself back from any kind
of feminine openness to their
sexual maleness that wanted
her as a good looking passive
feminine boy being now becoming
a girl in their arms, with their penis
in my pussy or me just basically
sucking their cock and me becoming
more and more a woman being but
no I said no in the hopes that I was
going to be a man, but no, lo and
behold I am woman bound, on her road
it was a fruitless hope that somehow thru
work I would eventually become a man so
I didn’t want to submit to a man to shame
myself by sucking his cock or letting him
penetrate my sweet, sweet petunia I had
plans to become a male and they never
panned out now I wish I had been more
open and realisitic in those days
finding out about hormones and
take them allowing myself to be
an attractive girl/woman with these
men and getting them to pay for
my hormones and me just really
taking it all in and enjoying being
a woman with breasts, soft skin,
bigger softer and smooth bottom
and the whole thing it probably
would have been a lot of fun and real
life lived as I was supposed to live
real, feminine, passive, masochistic.
taking care of my body and using my
mind to make a living as I more and
more slowly accepted that I was a
woman and really live that way but
I thought I could beat my very deep
need to be and become a woman so
I did none of the above until now in
line with the unchanging reality of me
needing to be a woman all the way thru
and so I am taking hormones because
I want further feminizing of mind and
body the truth is so wonderful I love
it so much having my very own tender
sweet soft bosoms and unpredictable
nipples who just love to be touched
and sucked and my very sweet open
soft bottom all ready so wet and open
really, really wanting to be penetrated
pressed up against my bosoms, my
legs so soft and smooth around his
back as he actually o so slowly and
finally all so warm and real and me
legs back as he goes in and in again
and again in and out so, so slow until
I begin to shiver with, deep delight
with him in me and me, me around him,
holding him in me my pussy a mouth of
desire for his cock in me, deeper, and
deeper until he comes in I am now all
over again a complete woman, for now
good lord I love this as you know its
so nice for me to be the one who
submits and I have slowly learned
starting with my wife who played a
butch lesbian lover with me as a she
who slowly learns what it really means
to be a woman who loves being the
passive girl, wear panties and a bra,
no, no not just that way, way beyond
that with me getting large enema
douches, and spankings, and cream
and powder and perfumed she
spanked his tiny girlish shameful
now her clitoris with an emory board
until I actually cried as she kept my
tiny cherries all tucked up inside me
and then slowly over time and in time
she taught me how to be open to real
penis penetration by introducing me
to her Red Shiva always hard, and ready
a teacher I too love and still invite to my
very womanly world when I need to
remember what It feels like to have a
wide open and deep needful pussy my
very own and too taking it like a dog with
my titties hanging down as she slides that
Red Devil Red Shiva in and out and feels my
titties and pinches my nipples and she spanks
me hard with a belt on my very tender bottom
to show me she was the boss the real man and just
who in this relationship was the woman in everything
as she strokes my clitoris inside me she makes me want
more and more I realize I am the woman, not the man,
no way could I or would I ever be a man I absolutely
enjoyed my butch lover treating me like her woman
good god it confirmed once and for all that I didn’t
have a penis and that I would come like a big
crying girl baby wanting more and more of her
strong hand and her Red Shiva Dick in me in and
out I loved it on my back legs thrown back she pushes
my legs back and wide open as she puts more and more
cream in my newly discovered pussy and now ever so
loved to be the girl who gets a penis in her pussy and
just loves it when her very butch lover teaches her how
to enjoy really enjoy that ever so hot, hot Red Shiva
Cock in my flower o my god in my flower and it was
Real and I had a pussy filled with cock and o lordy girl;
I loved it so much she showed me with a mirror what
my pussy looked like loving ever so deeply a cock going
in and out of me slowly o my goodness I was so thrilled
to realize that she taught me to use my vagina and stop that
it’s silly pretending that you have a penis and are a man I like
you better this way and I love the way you come with my
cock in you, you sputter and wet everywhere and you
hold so hard on my cock it can’t pull free and sighing and
crying like the girl you are, you must let go when you come
and sputter sometimes I turn you over on your belly and
hold your clitoris tightly in my fist and you holding my cock
in your vagina with my free hand I spank you hard and make
you tell me how much you love mistress whipping you
while she has her cock strapped in you and you really
do and really have come a long way with your cute little
bosoms still growing and softer hips bottom and skin you
have to admit darling I helped you discover your real woman
nature and now there is no turning back in other words my
destiny had it that a butch woman was going to teach me
to be a woman in bed with her and how I loved it and missed
it and still did it and wanted it and now realized no holding back
slowly over time I admitted loudly and acted directly and
worked on it finally taking hormones and practicing my voice
I venture out when I can to validate in small ways that being
a woman sexually is leading me to be a woman socially and
of course when I do it I don’t want to stop I want to get
rid of all my facial hair, I want a tracheal shave, I want
new skin, new teeth, I want to be an attractive woman,
of course I love having my own real titties under my
blouse although they are really not that big they are
so real I love them so much they allow me to feel
more like the woman I am and have become
somehow I’ve got to increase my going out time
expand her field of operation to more interactions
more reality on every level this is so real I am taking
hormones to change me more in the direction of
seeming more like a woman physically and in some
other ways

somewhere miles of words
back the subject of Clowns
came up and actually that’s
been coming up in me a lot
lately and elsewhere in my
beat up yelloew notebooh
there is an indiction for
instance looking at my
art it looked like its right
from the clown world and
me remembering when I
got drunk I used to feel a
need to confront a person’s
image of themself’s and
challenge them to a fight
I know I there would not
more than likely be one yet
I acted the fool and the time
I pinched all the women’s
nipples as I danced and
danced drunk again a mirror
cloudy yet an energy from
the reflection and me now
liking it when my hormone
induced breasts ache and
grow and my nipples grow
thicker and harder I like’em
like that all anticipating what’s
coming down the road for miss d

o9_29_2oo8
this world of second nature and rumors
trail around our wrists and our ankles.
so this part is true the part we are trying
to live, and trying to write about that with
out reason a vague sense of light but a force
that drove me here and this is real too, I am
strongly female, femininely inclined. a force so
strong that it has permanently feminized my
body and I want more in that direction, this
part of me has been working relentlessly to
get me to be a woman the best way I can it
has brought me this far where I can say I am
a woman now in this concentrated form

1o_o1_2oo8
this is true some very big part of me
always wanted to be and felt as a girl
somewhat but always, always a big
part kept putting pressure on me to
become a girl, a woman and finally
I just gave up resisting and am so
damn happy I did. I never had a choice.
At timrs there is a strangeness to the
life we live the life we are in as we
are it never has been easy but its
been fun. mysterious, surprising
full of color and myth, exciting the
changing and then there was the fear
the need to control the primal impulse,
to hide and repress what it meant to
become a woman what it meant to me how
much of the truth could I bear I knew
I loved being a woman, to live openly.
who liked having her attractiveness and
real girl femininity validated by men
taking her out, or picking her and both
cases goimg to bed with men who knew I
was still mostly a boy but I was always
en femme I love being the girl, for these
men in bed I kept my virginity mostly
hoping that in the future I would gain
back my manhood, but no I've become more
of a woman and I want even more to deepen
that it is beyond me to understand why.

keyacikala tatankaluta

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