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the tortured 10/26/06 9:38 PM

May. 25th, 2007 | 11:47 pm

The slow and painful unraveling of all
Those tightly knit illusions that hid the
basic truth of my deep sexual identity
and female feminine configuration of
a daily living entity or being thus shown
the tortured path as laid out before me
when I was young and came upon this
joyous thing me able to and wanting to
and all that opposition then here
I am at xx trying to accept and feel
More my identity as a woman I am
Going further as usual into the big
Change zone cultivating and loving
My nearly A-size bra my sense of
Getting softer a more honest way of
Living but how and why it comes down
To I never had a choice this was/is it


It never stops never has always
Been there a long time coming
How could it be how did I come
By crazy woman syndrome All
Mystery unknown to the likes
of me I am this living walking
configuration this contradiction




rare addendum from the poetic past

ate: Sun, 7 Apr 1996 23:45:39 -0400
From: mars@warwick.net ( deirdre)
To: mars@warwick.net
Subject: entireness
Newsgroups: soc.religion.gnosis
Organization: girls are good

an essay on the world
dont forget to put
in the details before
the throne of being
a place undisturbed by
river stones

--
not much I could do about it

difficult as it seems
nothing could be farther
from the truth
blinding light of being
full of so much
outlined in vivid dark
blue black

Deirdre


looking into the night jungle straining
to catch a glimpse of the obvious
without much hope the score was
so uneven I had little energy to
scratch the damn surface and
read some cyphers exhume my-
-self as somehow real I mean
for real inside a female sphere
quadratic equations pulled out
legs spun of soft silk long ivory
old long blond hair braided
by her that one i love always



IN A STONE FROM A STONE

careful a door opens out to the night
rain is falling outside the ground
is getting wet new green grassy buds
break earth and branch cross early blue
mother sky moon passed by planet or star
lots of family confusion as evening grows
a day spent in the exercise of the futile
barely existing in time no holds on the
river no floating boats a mention of
a name like a rifle shot careens in
the skull like a phantom 22 richochet
a silver white strand of a cloud covers
the hooked horn white shrouded woman
in the settled black of night
an altar of red copper green onyx
feet of ancient one carved in woods
what is going on I whisper out of a
parched ruined throat faced tied
back in a permanent sense of sorrow




look out mama fast train coming

nothing can flash
fast enough

all things ensemble
maybe bleed

it must be a river
must be.....

say a piece of heart
piece of moment

where mind finds
something like itself

deirdre


empty streets

holding hands with you is
exhilarating puffed out soft
skirts petticoated our hands
in our laps lets take a look
inside you know all about me
my pink satin boots pulled up
tight my body ripe and bent
nipples pulled like strings lets
see Im the one wearing lip
stick the one in deep perfume ankles
pulled up against my now
ripe pumpkin my body is an ash in
your palm a flame without
memory held onto in a last desperate
attempt to kiss face to face

deirdre

--
not much I could do about it could I
lie down and look up the stars are so bright


Date: Thu, 4 Apr 1996 22:53:06 -0500
From: mars@warwick.net ( deirdre)
To: mars@warwick.net
Subject: no mind
Newsgroups: soc.religion.gnosis
Organization: girls are good

difficult as it seems
nothing could be farther
from the truth
blinding light of being
full of so much
outlined in vivid dark
blue black

deirdre

--
not much I could do about it

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the creek rambles neath silvered moon

Feb. 27th, 2007 | 10:40 pm

feb14 2007

the big truth is that I feel better about myself as a woman
yet I doubt whether I will be able to be much more of a
woman than I am now at least I am accepting it much
much more and really liking the changes that my body
is making accommodating the female spirit in me to the
outerness of the kind of woman’s world I inhabit daily.


feb15 2007

I find myself in deep self discovery yesterday
today tonight now all about me as only a cunt
a woman without any remainder of manliness
anywhere just me now as a woman with a more
motherly bosom also one kinda sexxy bosom
and me just so much more comfortable as this
woman being me accepting my moon change
into this a woman only now in every way with
out any questions just wonder before this place
I am born from as female feminine being outer


feb16 2007 Friday

so today I am just an ordinary woman I cut
trish’s toenails I brought her, her hot milk
what can be thought about this thing of
mine the truth the extent the bowed edges
and boundaries expressed without any
hard mitigation all those things I now
know about myself as a woman in sex
and desire and needful expression that I
am this almost woman creature in form


feb20 2007 tues night cold snow daily melt warm today

I couldn’t stay away from my sexxchange and
it’s ongoing undercover hidden away but very much
in operation daily there is a part of me that just loves
becoming a woman I love the feminine changes in
my body the redoing of myself into a more female
being as persona this strange being on the gender
border almost beyond time into the mythos of this
me and other males who become some kind of a
being woman and those of us who wish to stay
longer and go deeper as for me the truths that
I discovered about me and my very feminized
sexual nature and finally expression as a woman
being who is a total femme bottom in every story
and sexual encounter I was always insistent that
they know about this most objectionable and hard
to bear shameful horrible but necessary for just
now if we are to have sex you must treat me first
as a feminized girlish boy you teach me all what I
must do sexually as a woman you teach me to take
big enemas after a silky soft bath she makes me bend
over in the bath tub and loosens my soon to be pussy
that I never thought I had until she showed me I am
filled up my belly felt so full and then whoosh totally
clean and open and so ready when she pulls my pink
nighty up and eases my panties off with one finger than
two then one more and one more all soft and wet with
bodycream she gets me ready she turns me on my stomach
and pushes her red hard shiva penis in me as she fondles
my erstwhile bosom I am raising and pushing back I am
so surprised how much I liked getting fucked as a woman
so you see sweethearts it never was going to be marshall
overcomes need for sexxchange by you as his girl friend
or wife going along with letting him wear the panties and
bra and dresses and makeup and one day bingo all gone well
you can’t blame me really that’s what I had hope and wasted
so much possible honest experience time in oppressing that
wonderful wish and desire to be a woman totally absolutely
bottom line always there 12 yrs old the hidden life of Roberta
Cowell o my god that’s what I wanted and now many years later
I am finally becoming more of a woman I should have started to
taken hormones 20 yrs ago and she just gone ahead and been me



2/21/2007 feb nite Wednesday

in front of my wife I show myself as only
female now no more sign of maleness its
gone completely in front of her I was only
a woman in my being and dress and body
today I went out and spoke and not seen
as a man only an older woman I tried on
clothes at the Dress Barn and bought
some nice things real cheap and they
fit and I look and feel good wearing
them and I had to tell them my phone
number which I did no one batted an
eyelash I passed on a deeper level

what is the deeper story here my transformation
into more expressive and deeper becoming woman
this is impossible but it is happening to me and I of
course seem to love it I am more in agreement with
that unfathomable mystery of me becoming woman

keyacika/deirdre


Girls Go Everywhere Without Fear: Unlmtd.

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Winter in New York 2007

Jan. 15th, 2007 | 10:39 pm

Another Day of Cold Rain 1/15/07 10:01 PM

so no matter what I’ve thought wanted believed
was hopefully possible was all wrong I am changing
my sex I am becoming female in a certain way
in that way I’ve always been a certain kind of woman
my type my kind of woman an identity I know some
how of course I imagine my breasts getting bigger but
are they really it’s so slow sometimes they feel so full
and delicious feeling just what I want other times they
seem so flimsy all that work and this is all I got to show
for it, girl! is that ever depressing o what to do? I pull
them & knead them & pray for them I want them bigger
I need them bigger sometimes I can’t bear it when I pull
my right soft bosom from bra and blouse it’s so tender and
so sweet I love the way they make me feel when they
push up against my arms as I lean forward to type
it’s a little overwhelming to come into this kind of real
room where I am changing in an arche-way by Dream
my karma is eating me and I can only watch in mute
amazement this being is me I am Her and it is happening

keyacika/deirdre


Blessed rainy cold back slick January night 1/14/07 10:31 PM

As I have said elsewhere tonight I couldn’t wait to get home
And go back being a woman even with a guest over I couldn’t
Stop myself getting all femmed up underneath my very feminine
Pants and kinda femme butch long sleeve mauve soft cotton t
Over my best fitting and enhancing bra makes me feel even
Fuller in my bosom area and so on it goes and I find that I am
really more like a woman everyday I see where my former chest
muscle mass disappear as my bosoms grow and my arm muscles
are weaker its harder for me to pickup heavy objects I can still
do it but it seems so much harder and this is the price I am paying
by wanting to see what it feels like to be more and more womanly
accepting of my need to be a my kind of woman being obvious to
everyone but myself yet here I am tonight ChangingWoman again
deep diving sexxChange hard to bear hard not to bear trying in
some way to walk my truth maybe those around me may benefit
in many good ways maybe I am already benefiting some parts of
visions coming to life in my life and yes I am being changed into
a woman finally you might say its been along time coming and a lot
of needless pain and suffering but now I feel better about this stage
of constant revelation that I have been going thru and giving up
more and more my masculinity my last imaginary molecule of man
hood and I know what I like as a woman and I want my bosoms to
get bigger I want to look more like a woman it sounds so crazy but
I am actually doing something and changing my body to make it
more female in appearance and feel means me giving up letting go
of all false appearances and appreciate how I good I feel as this only
me as a woman totally and then we go a little deeper and just live it
as I am and always have been a woman being that’s what I would
like out there in the world as it is and trying to make a living as an
older woman Ha! The divine laughter anyway allow life to show me

keyacika/deirdre


moon sees river cries 1/5/07 11:37 PM

This world all spelled out now the truth plain
To see and know first hand as lived as I am
Becoming a woman being more and more in
Side me and growing out over the years born
of all sorts of cocoons and husks and now after
all that this me as I am becoming that much
loved desired envied female being myself not in
fact but the fiction is of thin glass and refracts the
truth in crystals stalled along the line of meaning
unexplainable unavoidable intense only myth will
yield a story about this 2 spirit 1+1=2 sense of me
always as more and more a woman but how?! But
why?! Never an answer only an unrelenting push
and compelling ness o my god she never gave lt
in this world outward up I nagged and nagged at
him to give up and admit he was a woman step by
step in the bloody war to convince him to give in
and now he finally has admitted that he is changing
his sex under constant pressure from me just to get
him closer to the truth he has always wanted to be
a woman so yes look at her now and she is happier
with her breasts growing bigger and no man stuff left
it’s the way I have always wanted it but at 20 not
now as much but yes I’ve got to anyway the enigma
solved only as lived as in the every day world as me

keyacika/deirdre

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beyond belief into the real

Jan. 13th, 2007 | 12:39 am

more tales of changingwoman

Thus I am becoming a woman a little more
each day I am getting more and more accepting
and encouraging and even interested in the
outcome as well now the process where my
sexx is really changing and what it means
this almost brutal truth that I never was able
to become a man no matter what I did or
tried the fact was I was totally female identified
repressed controlled for so long so many chances
lost to false hopes now I am realizing my dream
my deepest desire on earth was to become a
woman totally yet I created an opposing force
based on how much I didn’t like her or want her
that if I kept the lid on by not having oral sex or
being penetrated by a man when I was picked up
by a man who wanted those things but I didn’t
but I wanted it so bad I would get dressed up
go out and all coked up anything to be a very sexy
girl and guys always tried to pick me up I went home
and got into bed with some guys they wanted me
to suck there cock or fuck me in my bottom ( not
yet a pussy ) but I just couldn’t allow myself the
pleasure of being a total woman femme bottom
with these men because I felt if I did I would turn
into a raging queen mtf transsexual I fought it
every inch of the way buffed up my masculine
identity Indian poet I’m drunk cause I am wild a
radical spiritual seeker I am dancing around my
tipi it smaller than the others I don’t see it for a
long time I saw it tonight the one part of my own
spiritual destiny early in my life I was being driven
mad by not becoming what the spirits want from
me a female relationship with everything I will
learn as I open this world up and into my family
it will be hard I don’t know what to expect some
spirits are guiding me the sooner the better they
say what will I do after is the hard part but must
be tried to be real honest and open I don’t know
what to expect how easy it will be for me I
don’t think its being a woman in public a woman
a real woman in public remember your honesty
and the fact no matter what you are becoming a
woman under your own volition so this adventure
continues how it will become I don’t really know

this night of the upside down winter keyacika/deirdre

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look out mama fast train coming

Jan. 6th, 2007 | 02:30 pm

Friday Night Samadhi 12/15/06 11:49 PM

she played with my clitoris all creamy powdered, perfumed
o god I was totally her woman I couldn’t believe it I started
writing lesbian poetry and putting it out on a lesbian poetry
site for me I felt cool with it I had looked for manliness in me
but there was not even the faintest glimmer of real masculine
sexuality I was always wanting to be a woman I tried to turn
my clitoris into a penis & deny that I had a vagina and keep
my desire breasts hidden under false pretence that O yeah baby
just wait and watch me turn into a real man one day o dear that
never happened check it out just take a look and read the writings
of my changing, this deep deep being change o hallelujah its
this the way I have been heading and now the deeper truth as I
accept my feminine sexuality that I am probably more and more
female bi sexxual this living strange changing being thru me and
as me its for real its really happening I am changing for the
better in acceptance there’s more freedom to understand and
express what has to be understood and let be, let out finally
to find out what I am not necessarily why but what and how
this will be brought forward into the real world as I grow and
grow out in the world I am wrestled to the earth and made to
become a woman from the core out and in I am changing and
loving the very real female beingness that is immersing me

you see what I mean keyacika





the big acceptance 12/28/06 7:07 PM

that’s what I said to myself
as I saw myself as a woman
and even now it means just
do and become what I am
what I have always been
the acceptance of this sex
change this moon ocean
change deep and rooted in
mystery why for what to
what end must I go thru
this and end up as a certain
kind of woman and that’s
all there is to it after all



Gettys Ear Drove My Chevy To The Getty 12/18/06 9:01 PM

In a way this is a big thing and yes it always was
A big thing but now its becoming real and I like that
A lot and what will I see as I have been shown the
Truth of my sexuality so much pressure would have
Been lifted off of me I might have been able to speak
In freedom and acted in truth and allowed myself to
Change my sexx much sooner 30 yrs ago or at least
20 yrs ago o what a waste I could have had a lot less
trouble allowing my bosoms to grow that would have
so much nicer now acceptance of the fact that this is
what I am a man becoming a woman and at first I
said no then slowly in very begrudging and ashamed
ways saying yes to being feminized with clothes, hair,
skin, pierced ears, and then phyloestroegens and then
real oestrogen this is what I am doing to myself or you
could say a force stronger than one idea about myself
a strong deep force wants (me) to be a woman and I
have not been able to do anything about it and so it goes




This Think Is Getting Hot 1/4/07 10:09 PM

I am becoming a woman my sexx is changing
so now what do I do nothing just be more and
more a woman feel it sense it be it all the time
so it is my breasts give me away now my softer
skin and weaker muscles what else is changing
bigger bottom bigger realization and how much
I missed having something real fill my bra and
It just feels so much better this way



moon sees river cries 1/5/07 11:37 PM

This world all spelled out now the truth plain
To see and know first hand as lived as I am
Becoming a woman being more and more in
Side me and growing out over the years born
of all sorts of cocoons and husks and now after
all that this this me as I am becoming that much
loved desired envied female being myself not in
fact but the fiction is of thin glass and refracts the
truth in crystals stalled along the line of meaning
unexplainable unavoidable intense only myth will
yield a story about this 2 spirit 1+1=2 sense of me
always as more and more a woman but how?! But
why?! Never an answer only an unrelenting push
and compellingness o my god she never gave lt
up I nagged and nagged at him to give up and
admit he was a woman step by step in the bloody
war to convince him to give in and now he finally
has admitted that he is changing his sex under
constant pressure from me just to get him closer
to the truth he has always wanted to be a woman
so yes look at her now and she is happier with
her breasts growing bigger and no man stuff left
it’s the way I have always wanted it but at 20 not
now as much but yes I’ve got to anyway the enigma
solved only as lived backwards reversed upside down


all this from keyacika/deirdre

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the mirror wobbles

Nov. 12th, 2006 | 12:15 am

YAM

If he now even after so long resisting the inevitable
He has come to understand that for his family to
Flourish he must live in the truth of himself this
brings him to now becoming and living as a woman
being in pursuit of a larger world he has come again
and again to this truth he is and has always been a
woman female being radical change impossible really


November Warm Sun

The overwhelming evidence is pointing to this
Anomaly that I have been and become the
Depth is hard to fathom how far down does
She go how much I am her when I can be
And she always makes me to pay attention
To what she wants and who she is and why am
I to become her and yes I want this now you
know what those growing fuller softer bosoms
are and what they mean to even more of your
o so solidified male identity grows transparent
and who is that in the mirror all femme woman
now as I am without the smallest ingredient
of masculinity in me not a whisper left an ash
may be may be not and even as the last traces
disappeared I felt a a lost impossible yearning
for a young manhood I never could have had
not really even though it took a long time I am
taking hormones and in a gingerly fashion they
are having some kind of delirious help to me
the always changing one the ecstasy of this


looking out for this something indefinable that comes from
being a boy wishing and praying to be changed into a girl
soft curvy long hair 14 or 15 t was young by the time I knew
this was what I wanted and when I found out I began to resist
vigorously realizing that it made no sense and I didn’t want to
go down that road yet I did winning one skirmish and battle
after another until voila here I am here today as in the above




In what way do we make of the world
With all its anomalies in which of course
And without doubt I find myself in and
As in to this thing where I’ve been be
Coming a woman and there is a split in
Me one part wanting nothing to do with
This yet another pushing and pushing
Under the surface all the time until I am
More woman than a man and it seems
I’ve come closer to my real nature as a
Woman and welcome this and will persist
In this becoming woman thing even though
The daytime self is able to pretend that I
As a woman with those desires doesn’t exist
Yet seems I do so this proves my existence
Night and day all the time this deep need
To be changed unrealizable this force can
Not stop until the whole landscape is moved
And changed as females wanting to draw
Life to them so they can be alive creating
More and more beautiful livings


part two next night here I am again
all female more or less in some ways
but I did use to say I dinna want to
become this girl thing I didn’t want it
i wanted to lead my sexual romantic
self as hipster artist making films
writing poetry yet no matter how
much I said no she found a way
around and here I am now been
thru denial and repression all kind of
incomplete forms but underneath all she
wished was to experience life as a woman
and now just look where I am what I am doing


my day dreams now include the imagined
desire of feminine female flesh that desire
in which I can sense that desire in me from
a distance I am so vulnerable I am softer I
cannot penetrate a donut but I feel so very
feminine my body like all others like me
female desire encompasses me for that
something who desires me for what I am
look where this femme bottom thing has
gotten me more and more like a woman
in physical appearance, in being absorbed
thus and then changed by Mystery into be
coming thus me and thus a woman in some
ways and maybe one day become a woman
in more ways and then a woman in all things


A HEN, A COW, A SOW, A WOMB, A WET MOON
EGGS ,EGGS AND MORE EGGS FROM FEMALE AS
I AM AN EGG NOW A PRODUCING EGG I AM NOW
TO BE EXAMINED BY THE NURSES ALL WOMEN
I AM TO BE PENETRATED I AM TAKEN IN HAND
LIKE AN EGG I AM TO BE RE-RAISED SHOWN
HOW TO DANCE AND LAUGH LIKE A COLOURED
EGG IN A GRASS FIELD THIS IS NEWS TO ME I
FOOLISHLY REBELLED AND WAS WASTED TIME
ALL OVER I COULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD SO MUCH
CALM DOWN GIRL JUST BE YOU AS YOU WANT TO
BE A WIDER RANGE OF SELF AND EXPRESSSION


The facts are in honey hard to see but
it really seems that I am a woman now
as such as much as can be had under the
circumstances its all there including
the deep desire and wish that brought her
so forward into him and through him and
around a spell is cast all over him where
without his consent he is going to want
to be a woman all along because he already
was such creature yet lo and behold I find
myself now almost fully female, as always
feminine inclined and expressed, lived


The always re occurring again &

Maybe I’ve been a woman most my lives
But this one I just wanted to try to be a man
Again as I had on several other occasions always
Thinking men differently yet almost from the
Beginning my female self was insisting to find
A way up and out in anyway she could she wanted
To be he always envied those street queens and
Wished he could have pursued that path although
He was offered a free ticket in that world by the
Warhol gang by different kinds of sexual encounters
I was made to go and tried to but always turned
Back thinking I don’t have to do this and become a
Woman someday I will be free of this irrational
Desire but lo and behold I am here now with my
Titties growing larger and me going out again
Amongst the many no false titties my very own
Small but tender soft and real no one acted as
If I was anything but a woman I just need to do
That more and more yet turned down being
tutored by Jack Smith made love too by 2 crazy
gay underground film makers lovers long term
and other guys who would liked making love to
me as a woman and take me out and those guys
in Province Town and girls coming on to me and
I am dressed in a short white dotted dark blue
silky dress long hair down my back real heels
pantyhose all made up and feeling beautiful so
the bottom line throughout this rigamarole is
that I am to become a woman no matter the old
hopeful (false) future where I am a man and will
remain one but no I am to become a woman and
by accepting this role a woman as defined by me
all who know me will benefit I am already benefited
it has been almost impossible to accept this in the past
but now I must and I am not knowing where it will lead
(tamingts)
I was so ashamed for along time that this was what i
Wanted to wear and become a girl and then become
A woman and now look how I have evolved over the
Years of repression and fear o no cock tender soft
Titties making what little there’s left of any slight
Vestige of masculinity hard to know say bye bye
perchance




The overwhelming evidence is pointing to this
Anomaly that I have been and become the
Depth is hard to fathom how far down does
She go how much I am her when I can be
And she always makes me to pay attention
To what she wants and who she is and why am
I to become her and yes I want this now you
know what those growing fuller softer bosoms
are and what the mean to even more of your
o so solidified male identity grows transparent
and who is that in the mirror all femme woman
now as I am without the smallest ingredient
of masculinity in me not a whisper left an ash
may be may be not and even as the last traces
disappeared I felt a a lost impossible yearning
for a young manhood I never could have had
not really even though it took a long time I am
taking hormones and in a gingerly fashion they
are having some kind of delirious help to me
the always changing one the ecstasy of this


looking out for this something indefinable that comes from
being a boy wishing and praying to be changed into a girl
soft curvy long hair 14 or 15 I was young by the time I knew
this was what I wanted and when I found out I began to resist
vigorously realizing that it made no sense and I didn’t want to
go down that road yet I did winning one skirmish and battle
after another until voila here I am here today as in the above



Some Pieces at Hand

This new order of ChangingWoman is come upon me
Based on my most precious tiny titties and always
getting hard nipples, my bottom getting bigger and
softer giving me a more legitimate sense of myself
as a woman more real more committed the feminine
is all in me and flows more as I become more female
and slowly I began to bring myself in line to being
more of a woman in my earth home as I am trying to
be daily this uncovering of this particular female in me
a female so tied to the rootedness of being and sexual
identity that I am driven by a need to be accepted as I
am in this fully this other sex one in her becoming




full moon tonight and me in thrall
again to becoming woman and her
need and fascination for hormones
and getting some changes thank
you grandmother I have come
this far and want too even a little
bit further to go be more womanly
and female in body gradual mind
feeling thing all mixed up and full
of magic a woman man chosen by
the grandmothers and grandfathers
stand back and sing and drum this
young boy who must become a girl
and then live only as a woman as
chosen by the spirit to be the
receptacle and the generative womb
for all their spirit gifts so I knew
about the previous speaker in my
being I knew this becoming girl me
but instead I fought against this
gift I was afraid and humiliated
O I planned to be rid of this terrible
‘malaise’ as I slashed and burned
and repressed and run from until
living here I’ve slowly come to terms
with the truth the inevitable until now
I am going overboard partially because
of time reaching this far finally just
realizing this is my life and I want to
be a woman more and more even
now I feel femaleness permeate my
body my female growing me deep down
I’ve always been female identified and
Even though I thought it wonderful as
A young boy to become a real young
Girl and dressing up secretly in my
mom’s clothes and as many more girls
and lady’s clothes I could find cause
it made me feel so right I prayed to
the ancient grandmother women as
a young boy to change me into a girl
That prayer is being answered now

tuesday oct102006

its more of a real girlish
feeling to have this kind
of softer fuller breasts
in a satin soft 40s bra
and 50s slip lipstick and
overtightened panties
and all for what and why
but yet it is almost to
the max and that’s what
i really like these deep
femme facts on the mossy
stony ground creeks and
forests of primeval fern
and the moon is waning
these many days later
and now what for me
and why why me this
violence do-be to my
being and yet succumb
I will always and be in
Wonder before my on
Coming sense of change
Perfumed shadowy 2
Faced Anukite

oct 13 2006 frayeve 11:40 pm

being reborn a kinda woman
and all that entails as much to
me or someone else but no it
turned out for what I most
feared I wanted to be I was a
woman was to become one
now here I am to all intents and
purposes almost all woman in
everything it has been so damn
confusing with all this false hope
and now look near the end of a
long struggle I became accepting
and in that began to discover
deep veins of femaleness in him
taking hormones wanting to
show out a growing female
change like he has and he
enjoys deeply femme bottom
woman only and that is my
nature I love this sense of
things I want more of it as a
poet of becoming woman only
the no return trip body change
o my god has it when I sit on
the edge of the bed all bathed
creamed powdered perfumed
i am naked, I love brushing my
hair like this I enjoy the feel
of my loose hair all over my
bare shoulder my little titties
are so adorable I love them
so much I hope to get them
a little bigger I need to try
all this is so much part of me
now no more excuses I just
want to admit to you and every
one else and mostly myself that
I was always a woman of sorts
But I never could admit it
I thought this transvestite
Transsexual transgender
Now look how far I’ve come
Down this wonderful path
How much of a woman I am
becoming it boggles te Mind


keyacika-deirdre

the above poems were written between
early october an tonight nov 12 2006
12:13 am

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Changing Colors Everywhere

Sep. 30th, 2006 | 01:40 am

nothing gets close to the deep feeling I have now of being and becoming this
particular woman I am now more and more I would be so happy being a woman and it seems to be happening and either I can’t stop it/her or I
don’t want to, I just can’t get over it this being a woman here and now and
how absolutely happy it makes me feel to be more and more like a woman
and what it shows me when it shows me my desire I just want you to know what I feel on this subject so close to my deepest being the source of dreams and images for poets all artists all kinds and music but mostly lately for me I am being expressed more and more as a woman and I just love it
as in being possessed beyond any choice I was to always be a woman from
the beginning and I didn’t want to but I found out I had to from the very beginning slowly against heavy resistance I was being turned into a more
female woman me I prayed all thru jr. hi and senior hi to be turned into a girl and to hurry the process along I discovered how wonderful girls clothes were how they made me look and feel more feminine so believe me I got dressed up and went out every chance I could from 11-17 at home and the night streets I loved it I wanted it so badly how could I become a real girl

o my goodness what kind of paltry offering to the goddess this half hearty taking care of hair come on girl lets get those knots out of there and tame that last little toot be all woman in your self to the goddess night spirit day
flowers everywhere open up and dance your madness in gratitude to Her

at times It comes over me so strong this wanting to be a woman, feel like a woman, dress act inhabit identify both sexually and part psyche as a deep
female being becoming o tonight out back in the early autumn past midnight
danced and I danced to She the Night She the Stars She the Dark Chill Wind that bit my cheek with her love and I danced and smootched back in gratitude to grandma Turtle to guide my changing showing me what I must do to fulfill my destiny my own very personal destiny this whole part of me cut off and hidden from everyone because I was ashamed that I never had the courage to admit this woman side of my nature to anyone but trish and with her its second nature she doesn’t blink an eyelid no matter what I look like unless some one else threatens to witness me as this woman being so no one knows or sees me its too bad I’ve been thinking it could be a good thing all around to be out in the open to seek spirit guidance to see where and how I land with style and dignity a better woman being for all of it So
this is my wild unimaginable truth I am to be a woman in some form partial
or otherwise who knows I just know some things moving quite along or
taking place and maybe just maybe let someone know

not only do I have feminine sensibility I have a girl’s face not masculine
a small feminine nose and small feet and by the way no penis I’ve not cut my hair since that crazy southern fag poof hair cut, for my sister’s wedding, fuck that I was going main line and let hair my grow long winkte style woman style I hated short hair because I hated being a boy or masculine even though I pretended to try in crazy ways to prove I was a boy and if I tried hard enough I wouldn’t have to be a girl forever sans precious penis silly silly me guess what I don’t have a penis, and I am trying to get bigger titties I love mine so much they make me feel wonderful just what I’ve always wanted I just want them a little bigger so look no matter how hard I tried to delay this moment its here I am going to become a woman and live as a woman in public I am going way down the path changing way way down but even so can I remember my most essence being


ok I love
it this
female
thing in
me out
me it
is me
ok I love
this
whole
thing this
being
femme
all the
way
inside
could it
be me
there out
side in
a dress
just what
I like to
Be so free
always
in flight
changing
colors
everywhere


I love to know
My penis is gone
Little did I know
What effect this
Becoming woman
Thing has had
On me the toll
Its taken trying
To fight and
To hide not
Knowing that
there was no
other outcome
it was there
all along and
now look how
late in life
I got my
Beginners
Titties I
Gave up
Any claim to
my penis
it was never
very successful
doing a man’s
thing was such
a burden when
all I wanted was
go ahead a
just be more
of a woman
whenever you
can lean
to enjoy
your woman’s
being becoming
do so always
then inside
out upside down
crazy boygirl
couldn’t get
away he was
so lucky trish
accepted me as
her , her lover
revealing ever
so slowly my
deep female
desire and I
couldn’t stop
loving every
great sexy
thing we did
together o
my god I’ve
never rcovered
and now I am
your may belle
totally I don’t
want to return
to being a man
I can’t even if
I wanted to you
taught me so
much about me
being fucked in
my vagina which
you opened up
for me where now
i want to be fucked
so bad I don’t
know what to do
keep my legs
crossed and tight
and pray hold on
this woman wants
to make love as
the woman she’s
becoming that’s
a part of this
wacky equation
a mirror facing
out in which I
walk as a woman

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looking in

Jun. 25th, 2006 | 10:10 pm

Deep meditation on this begomingwoman winkte

for real now ok I can’t stop
I want them bigger but it
Takes a lot out of me for a
Day I like the way they feel
The way they look filling my
Bra I love it I can’t help it
That’s why I’m taking more
Hormones could my brain and
Total being system been flooded
with female hormones when I was
a fetus and so when I entered puberty
my sexual identity showed herself
as a joy and a delight in the desire to
exist only as a girl and becoming her
when she dressed in any girl’s clothes
I could find and I went everywhere
Any chance I got I dressed and went
out I tried to control it by repressing
her under guilt and then getting
sexual pleasure from being forced
to dress as girl gradually it dawned
on me something else was up and I
wanted to accept it give her time to
be any kind of woman she wanted
to be when I was young I passed so
easily men were attracted to me as a
tg boy as girl for the night going out
in nyc and passing yet I fought her
every ounce of the way and felt one
day I would be free of becoming a
woman but lo and behold its bigger
than ever with all these hormones
this deep feeling of wanting to be a
woman is being manifested physically
is something happening to me now
on the no return road just because I
wanted always this thing now look now
feel what is happening at this moment
I am feeling very female my titties
Are warm and full with more growth
Getting bigger goodness gracious
What now I could never part with them
Now I love them too much what does
it all mean I can’t understand but I am
in sisterhood with all tg street queens
in all real scenarios where life is the
raw data and its here we were seen out
on the street and going to the clubs
I wanted to take hormones but I substituted
Drugs you every thing up and high and being
The part of getting by the censor free
To be in public as femme as very feminine
No holds barred all woman to the core yet
I hoped not to be this way in the future
I hoped and hoped and still all I wanted was
To be a woman so look at me now how much
Further I am going than I thought all that
Time wasted when I could have done more

6/20/06 9:08 PM

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This fear of really being other, becoming other

May. 29th, 2006 | 11:47 pm

This fear of really being other, becoming other
The final touch becoming as is real in the world

Can feel the changing going on
something is happening
All throughout my body this
painful becoming other this fear
what am I doing becoming
can I stay healthy during these
spirit mandated changings
stay alive dream a different future
from now on what kind of woman
am I to become myself as this
softer, tender female being or
how can I find out without living
daily, fully, only, no return, as is,
me as a woman type and a woman
only somehow touched by the compassion
of the real allowing me to be as this
becoming woman there have been so many
hard stages, decisions, choices, compromises
and now I am here more woman all
along 1st stage pure joy complete innocence
changing into female being by putting on
feminine girl’s and women’s clothes looking
for them everywhere I could I couldn’t help
myself I yearned to be changed into a girl
body being and all I prayed to the mother
goddess to make me into a girl completely
when very soon I realized, this is, what a lot
of kids made fun of, sissy girl boys I felt afraid
and crushed and ashamed and humiliated
when I pulled on a pair of panties where as
before I had felt so much joy being a girl
reading all about sex changes, transsexuals,
maybe me I was afraid I didn’t want to
lose my future manhood I had big dreams of
adventure and spiritual journeys and now this
a strong need to accept becoming a woman
with an even stronger need to control this semi
logical desires becoming repressed and sexualize
was effort to prevent me from going beyond certain
stages but slowly slowly I was shone that I was
only a woman really and I must do every thing I can
to live out this spirit given dream whenever I can and
the sooner the better its coming truer as my breasts
feel like they are growing ever so slowly and they feel
so soft and round and full of tender desire and in me
between my legs, my now softer thighs, my much truer
opening to me as female legs pulled back I am out on
wet night ground the moon is swollen and I open up
and she comes in me and changes me more and more
I too swell up and run rivers everywhere and honey
suckle drips on my shoulder my hair flung back in a bed
of lilacs I am wet, pale, shudder, as microns of female
moon light cover me in a shiver of silver night


now a new night 5/28/06

cleaning out the raccoon’s house
and I’ve got to get him to leave
cleaning out the memory warren
5 yrs? Dirt destruction bad eye
sight it was filthy the birds and
animal nests caused part of the
ceiling to break nests debris mixed
with all bits of foul matter disinter-
-gration amongst the remaining
fragments of my demented art not
pushed far enough finding so many
poems and pieces that need to be
brought together on a deeper place
I’ve got to purify and simplify I’ve
got to learn to feel the atmosphere
of love all around me all around
those that are close to me

keyacika

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the rendering

May. 5th, 2006 | 10:50 pm

O sweet mama jesus look at me now look at what is happening to me. a big kinda change and no change yet I am changing right before my eyes my hands my boygirl my world view this deep need to become a woman and to need to manifest in a more feminine way and now this happening I am taking small doses of skin applied estradiol skin gel and its slowly changing my body and I can't stop taking them because i like the way my breasts feel my feminine side likes me having real breasts and fuller softer bottom being a third sex woman i cannot bear children or even mother them really but I am a certain type of woman as many women are certain types of women, I have my obvious limitations, yet this feeling of being woman down to almost the last detail o my god sweet mama just take a look at me now down deep from the deep revealed me as woman only regardless if I don't qualify as a woman in some ways (to be discussed later) in every way slowly over along period of time a (fruitless?) struggle where slowly the identity as a woman began taking more of a front seat role and marshall jr. has beeen relegated to a small back room full of books while she first deirdre from spirit woman after early hanblecheya and then spirits came again and reminded me that i was a 3d sex 2 spirit becoming woman and now more so and even more so deeply felt danced to danced as spiritwoman, moonwoman, owlwoman,and others, so now i am at least in my world maybe hidden maybe not, visible, and other things to be shown later when you really come to your self really and be your self as womandancer, but aside from that aspect there are other more practical considerations to acknowledge such as ones real reltionship with those around you and me being the type of woman I am would like to relate to others as a woman 3rd sex 2 spirit humanbeing however stunted i became as a result of that terrible struggle to repress change fool hide from run from deny secretly embracing my feminine world in small ways and then big ways breaking thru until now and probably for good i some how it makes me feel better thtat my body seems more feminine and I reallly like that it seems that a more womanly sexuality emanates from me in my womanly desire for something hard to hold on to acceptence acceptence this is me our society frowns on men like me people like me there was n acceptence no place in white american society for a boy with the sexual identity of a girl it was so damn hard to believe that this had happen to me right before i was 11 i found myself without any duality dressing up in the cool soft lacy lingerie world incidently that belonged to my mom and for the 5 or 6 yrs i wore her clothes and loved being a young girl at home and going out I couldn't bear it at times that i loved so much and wanted so much to be a girl I prayed and i prayed,researched and read and read, and practice and dressed a lot and went out with women and with men as a man's date as pick up at NYC bar, always sexually and socially not well practiced in either dressed at lived at home as a woman girlfriends found out soon enough and more or less enjoyed a lesbian reltionship with me as femme bottom and the taught me a lot about being a woman and how they related to me as a woman both sexually and socially
of them all trish was the absolute best she knew the way to a girl's heart as result i have travelled the path this far and now its time to bring keyacika/deirdre into the real everyday world, the bright sunlight of dailyness, its the real world you will reside yes i will reside in that world keyacika

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